have a paranoid new year

dontdatehimgirl.com will not let me cut and paste a link (What, is it disempowering to let yourself get passed around by any old blog who comes sniffin around?), but its “Love Panel” [here’s the link — LKIA] does address a question that’s come up a lot among my peeps lately. You like a guy, you’ve been out five, six times, for a couple weeks, a month, you’re having sex, you seem to be “dating” — and you see him online on the dating site where you met him. Like every day. He maybe has even said “I’m not interested in seeing anyone else,” which is the point where I move from advice Like Don’t rock the boat yet, Control your own jealousy, to “If you don’t want to see anyone else, what exactly are you doing back on [nerve/match/yahoo, etc.], bub?”

This happens enough that I would like to hear from men: Are you taught to swear fidelity and exclusivity before you mean it? Is this something you think chicks expect? Why lie unnecessarily? Why lie at all?

4 Comments so far

  1. kmcleod on December 31st, 2006

    Why lie at all-
    probably, I assume, to spare the other person’s feelings. In D.C., whatever interesting, attractive woman in Washington that I socialize with is probably socializing with one or more other persons besides myself, due to the urban scene and the degrees of chance. And that she wouldn’t tell me out of consideration of my feelings.
    When I was growing up, I think I was taught by society to “score” with women, then get away with it. Not that I listened. Today I meet more women who expect men to be unreliable, and 20something men who believe a man is a man is a man, but aren’t sure what, by any other name, that means.

  2. virginia on December 31st, 2006

    Yeah, but for how long do you not discuss it? I rarely make it to one month of regularly dating someone. For me to want to keep seeing him regularly for that long means I really like him, and I can’t imagine not at least starting to talk about exclusivity, or assuming it. I guess I don’t get “dating casually” for prolonged periods; if it keeps going past a month, it’s not casual for me.

    How about this definition of man: “Male human.”

  3. kmcleod on December 31st, 2006

    I prefer the adjective and noun in reverse order. On average, it seems that the normal affair, romance or infidelity lasts two or three months, at least down here. The fact that I’m exclusive by habit, wanting to be involved with one person at a time, becomes established at the beginning, because after the 4th or 5th conversation they ask me if I’m married…suspiciously. I must have that look or something.

  4. virginia on January 2nd, 2007

    Pshaw, you’re a fine, honest-looking human male.

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