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I Love You, Let's Meet » an homage to O.L.D. women: you’re ready for your close-ups

an homage to O.L.D. women: you’re ready for your close-ups

I’m sure we all wish Virginia the very best of luck with her counselor hunting. She’s got (at least) one thing on her side: they’re in season. But she stuck you with me, so I thought I’d better pander to her audience right away in case anyone still had a bad taste in their mouth from my “Terre Haute Cuisine” feuilleton that Virginia had the temerity to post a few weeks back. And for the rock-roofed readers among us, (for whom the pandering was never intended anyway) “O.L.D.” in the title abbreviates “online dating.”

Thus, for my part, it’s the season to offer up an appreciation of the rather amazing display of the human spirit I’ve found in the world of online dating, although not necessarily on the dates themselves. Alone in my room one dark and rainy night a few weeks ago, I was pining away for Heidi, who had granted me most-favored nation status in a blog comment on the “Terre Haute” piece. Between cries of “Wo bist du, liebchen?” I turned to a machine and asked it to find me a person it thought I would like. You may have done this kind of thing yourself, although probably without the screaming in German part.

The machine did what it had done dozens of times before, presenting me with a personalized list of female candidates, as per my request. Even after exercising all the Prufrockian powers of discernment I could muster, there were hundreds, not tens, not scores, but literally hundreds of women I considered prima fascia candidates for a first date. I started scrolling down that very long list and… (Cue the Monkees) …And then I saw her face… but this was an out-of-the-box face, transcending the machine.

If this was a date, it was with a Destiny that had chosen to take on the form of a woman–Everywoman. As I kept scrolling and clicking and back buttoning, with each profile presenting someone more suitable, more compatible, more edible than the next, it became clear to me and my inner Mr. Jones that something was happening and we didn’t know what it was. So we did the only thing we knew to do in that, or some might argue, any, situation: we tried to get a date with the girl standing next to us. But in this case she turned out to be our deus ex machina, inspiring a haughty rant or two. The pitch went a little something like this:

(Subject:) You’re ready for…

…your close up. I like the way the attitude of your photo goes with what you write in the profile. The way your right eye is somewhat obscured by the sweep of your hair; that, and the way the top of your upper lip peering over the bottom of the frame give me the feeling that you’re issuing a challenge. This is borne out by your iteration of some of life’s most vexing questions, numero uno for you seeming to be “Are You Still Trying and Hoping?” That’s a big one. Then there’s the rest of the universe which you deftly lasso with “Succumbing to Passion and Changing Into Jeans Afterwards.” Ahhh, just asking, but does that one play a role in what you’re Still Trying and Hoping For?

In the time since I started trying in earnest to meet someone via on-line “dating” which amounts to about six weeks and 4 dates now, I have written, read, and discussed The Things That Matter Most with greater frequency, depth, breadth and quality, than I have since I was in graduate school (in Philosophy, for goodness sakes), and I am just having a wonderful time. First of all, I am finally using my degree! My parents call me every day to tell me just how… No, they don’t, actually, but that’s about the only thing I can see that’s sad about the situation. It’s a real learning experience (read humbling) to be in contact with so many manifestly brilliant and beautiful women (could we please make that the new “BBW”?), present company included, of course. I mean, where on earth could a fella meet up with this many of “the smart girls in the class” which is exactly the phrase I used in my profile to describe who I’m looking for. And on what other occasion will these Big Questions be the ones that are so undeniably and obviously what really and truly matters? It is amazing to search through the profiles of thoughtful, passionate people, and feel the profundity of a human and humanistic connection. And get a date at the same time. [JG Note: Another man-friendly aspect of O.L.D.]

Dating? What? Are we kidding ourselves? This is the Big Kahuna here. So, to answer directly the questions you pose even more directly: I do keep trying to do the things I know to be important in the broadest sense, the ones that are so deftly scattered throughout your profile–being good friends, not giving up too easily, getting lucky in Branch Rickey’s sense of the word (“Luck is the residue of design”), and getting lucky in love, too.

The only way for you to know whether I walk this talk, or frankly, for me to know that about you, is for us to meet, talk, and, of course, walk together. For now, I suggest letting your fingers do the walking on your keyboard, and see how my profile sits with you. While you’re there, please know that I would very much like to meet you.

Warm regards,


It didn’t work out with the woman I was responding to above, but live in hope that Heidi will see that my heart is true, and reveal herself to me–at least her email address–because the luck residue is really beginning to building up around here.

2 Comments so far

  1. karen on July 24th, 2006

    “And for the rock-roofed readers among us”

    Okay, I’ll bite. What’s “rock-roofed” mean?

  2. JohnG on July 25th, 2006

    Hi Karen,

    Thanks for reading and asking. “Rock-roofed” was a silly way of suggesting that people who didn’t know about OLD had been living under a rock. I had an image of the Flintstone’s house in mind, really, instead of just a regular old rock that would make you into a pancake. I mean, if they haven’t heard of online dating, they must have been living there for a while now, with plenty of time on their hands to renovate.