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I Love You, Let's Meet » he lies, he never calls back, he harasses — what you’re doing wrong

he lies, he never calls back, he harasses — what you’re doing wrong

My competition for online dating talking head status gives women tips in the form of blame. He first directs women not to believe anything a man says on a date. He also gives contradictory advice in two of the steps — contact men, we love that, says #8; only go for men who are searching for you says #4. This is the guy I paid for online dating advice — for book research — who told me to lie.

I was struck by the first one, number ten, though, because I’d been talking with gal pals about the way men say “I’ll call you” when they mean “I won’t call you,” often embellishing with all kinds of unnecessary enthusiasm about future dates and how much they hope to see you, etc. And we do all wonder, Why do guys do that? We maybe weren’t even expecting another date until the guy started having, as a woman in my book put it about a guy who’d told her he’d fix her leaky sink and never called again, “a happy imaginary moment.” I’m not talking about the vague “let’s talk” or “see you later” that we’ve all done rather than say “I don’t ever want to see you again,” I mean really talking up those future interactions that won’t happen with enough oomph that we move from getting “this is the end of it” to thinking “well, I thought this was the end of it, but he’s acting so excited, maybe I was wrong.”
I would be interested in hearing from men who generally don’t lie but who do this. My theory is that men believe that they must keep the woman feeling safe, happy, wooed, courted NO MATTER WHAT and so they say whatever they think she wants to hear while they’re in her presence. But I don’t really know. I wonder at what point you who do this know or admit to yourselves that your words aren’t true. Do you mean it when you say it? Do you feel you need to be kind to be cruel? Is it connected with guilt (particularly in a post-sleepover-date context)?

Finally, I must give credit for my headline to this old issue of National Lampoon making fun of Cosmopolitan magazine. Their fake-article was titled “He Lies, He Cheats, He Steals — What You’re Doing Wrong!” My other fave from that fake cover was “Is There Mustard On Your Head? A Quiz.”

1 Comment so far

  1. kmcleod on April 26th, 2007

    I think being inarticulate is one reason I’ve witnessed among males who don’t call back. I’ve always followed Emily Matewell’s two day rule, unless I want to call the morn after. But most males don’t call when they don’t know what to say:
    “How do I tell her that I don’t know how I feel?”
    “How do I tell her that I’m married/attached/a lying polecat?”
    “How do I tell her that I’m lazy?”
    “How do I tell her that there’s a big game coming up and she may want to do something that same day and thinks that I’m choosing the game over her, which isn’t a crime?”
    “How do I tell her that I was stupid enough to lose her number?”
    “I’ll call her when I’ve figured it out. And not a day before.”